K-K-K-K-KRANG!

So while walking to class today I was assaulted not once, but twice! by flying acorns. Not being under a tree, my initial fear involved mutant wing-ed acorns - perhaps the result of improperly dumped radioactive waste, or the illegal designs of an overzealous genetic scientist. Such fears are justified this day and age, and I depend on Al Gore to protect me from the EVIL.

My fears proved unwarranted (at least for the moment - I'm always on the look out for radical nut elements; the acorn is clearly the Al-Qaeda to the Walnut's majestic democracy. And almonds are the ninjas. I digress.) as I noticed some asshole throwing - like a girl or Sean Nolan - acorns towards a tree on the quad. I can't begin to figure out why he was doing it, but his aim was so poor I'm almost forced to believe he was hurling these terrorist projectiles at me, and just happened to hit the tree in passing. An odd accusation, to be sure, but who sits around throwing acorns? I mean, really; it's not like this is 2nd grade and you're waging a war on L.Blanchard and her girl minions. Those were dark times, and drastic measures had to be taken. Seasons change, time passes on, and this jackass was throwing acorns around the quad.

The most harrowing aspect of it all was my realization that the perpetrator was none other than my imaginary friend! To clarify I don't mean to imply that this friend is a figment of my imagination. That would mean I was throwing acorns at myself, which is just silly. Rather, this person is real and I just like to imagine he is my friend. I have talked to him exactly once, back sophomore year when he was in my tennis class. I figure he's an econ major, though, since I've had a few classes with him since. I think his name is Jay, but I call him Patrick Stumpie (the "ie" is specific here. Fuck ending "y's") because he looks like a slimmer Patrick Stump and wears a lot of trucker hats and argyle. I'm not sure when I started considering him an imaginary friend, but I swear it's not as weird or creepy as it seems.

Regardless, when I saw Patrick Stumpie throwing acorns at me I was aghast. I gave him a shocked look, as if to say "dude, we've been friends for years and this is how you treat me?" but he paid it no heed. Hell, he didn't even look at me. Of course the rest of the way to class I tried to figure out how I had slighted him. I mean, he was my friend, right? It must have been pretty severe for him to completely trash our imaginary friendship. I wanted to run to him, apologizw profusely and beg forgiveness for my imagined slight but assumed this real-life action might seem out of place to him.

As it turns out Patrick Stumpie is in my International Trade class - which is where I was heading. By the time he strolled in he had become my nemesis; that position formerly being held solely by Green Shirt Kid. Not really being able to pluralize nemesis, by definition, my mind melded them into one SUPER nemesis. Imagine Super Shredder from the end of the Secret of the Ooze only wearing a green shirt and the face of a slimmer Patrick Stump. Oh, and a trucker hat. Everything else is the exact same, right down to the Vanilla Ice background beat and the villainous zeal to break shit. I glared at him meaningful, glibly - trying to portray to him his newly acquired position WITH MY EYES! But rather than acknowledge my animosity he just walked past and took a seat somewhere behind me. Well played, Green Shirt Stumpie...we shall meet again.