I have Problems

It's likely I new some new hobbies. Some people do productive things, like [INSERT ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE, AND THEN GLOAT ABOUT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS], whereas I voluntarily deprive myself of sleep to watch Die Another Day while holding my face in an awkward grimace. This movie is bad, but utterly Bond-tastic. Everything you ever thought you wanted in a Bond film is in this movie. Overly complex villainous machinations involving either missiles, laser beams, diamonds, or walruses? Check. Constant quips not-so-subtlety alluding to Bond's sexual prowess? Check. Gigantic building made entirely of ice that exists for no reason other than it can later melt and kill the buxom sidekick? Check. Car battle taking place in said building? Oh yes, that happens.

You're likely wondering how this film could be bad, with such great attributes, but such is the wonder of this movie. "Unbelievable" doesn't quite do it justice. "Stupidly shallow while also confusingly complex" is a more apt description. The main Villain is an Oxford educated North Korean Colonel who is selling African conflict diamonds to fund his gigantic satellite laser thingie so he can wipe out the mine field at the 38th parallel and invade South Korea. Oh, and he had gene therapy to change himself into some British prat who manages to go from absolute obscurity to Knight of the Realm in less than a year and really likes extreme sports. Somehow Bond is involved, as is a Blonde British Chick who I coincidentally am in love with*, and Halle Berry as the most depressingly bad Bond girl ever. I mean, I thought she phoned in her performance as Catwoman, but this actually manages to be less believable - she actually makes Denise Richards' role as a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough look good. Come to think of it, what the hell even happened in world is not enough? Every time I think about it all I recall is that denise richards really sucked, and then I get distracted and wonder why she didn't get killed off in Starship Troopers, because we all know that would've been the highlight of the film.

But I digress. Watching this movie really makes me wonder how Halle Berry won an oscar. She was bad enough that the other characters almost seemed to be actively avoiding her. Even in the obligatory sex scenes Bond just seemed bored by her. Actually, the presumed indifference to her character is one of the highlights: in perhaps my favorite exchange, Mr Bond and Mr Villain are having a chat about whatever diabolical plot double O is trying to stop, and she comes in with some random sassy comment leading both of the men to look at each other, confused, and then simultaneously give her the "shut up, woman, your betters are talking" glare before continuing on like nothing had happened. It's that special type of misogyny that only James Bond could pull off; reminiscent of the classic Sean Connery "run along now, man talk" ass-slap. Of course then Mr Villain spouted some bullshit line about global warming that was both social commentary and a pun, ruining the entire moment.

Oh, and big points for the Asian masseuse who calls herself Peaceful Fountains of Desire. If not for the double entendres and shit blowing up why watch a Bond film? Also, the final scene is OO7 and Halle in some bungalow doing it while rolling around in a gigantic pile of diamonds. Am I the only one who thinks that would be absurdly painful? Diamonds aren't exactly known for being soft and cuddly, afterall.

Sidenote: Don't watch Primeval. While it might sound cool, supposedly being about a giant crocodile named Gustave who terrorizes and murders in the waters of Burundi, it isn't. Gustave is hardly in the fucking film; it's actually more about a bunch of reporters trying to find Gustave while running around in war-ravaged Africa. They actually blame Gustave's existence on African genocides. Congratulations, Hollywood, you've managed to transform legitimate and gruesome global issues into fodder for bullshit b-movies.





*Blonde British Chick is also in Fracture, a rather good criminal trial thriller staring Sir Anthony Hopkins and his gun shooting his wife in the face, and then getting away with it. And Blonde British Chick has Thanksgiving dinner with her family and is a lawyer and reminds me of my favorite ADA Serena Sutherland (I blame Fred Thompson - and not his character Arthur Branch - personally for her not still being on Law&Order. That asshole.) and while watching it for the second time in my life I found myself utterly and completely hating Ryan Gosling.